DEAR DEB: ”My husband and I are together a lot. We have two young children. We eat together a couple times per week, we hang with our friends and watch TV. We do stuff with the kids and go on some trips together. But we don’t really feel connected. But we are so busy and can’t seem to find the time or energy do anything about it. What can we do to feel more connected without a huge burden on our time?” – R.S. in the San Francisco Bay Area
DEAR R.S. IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA: You are not alone. This is a challenge for most couples with children. Young children throw lots of monkey wrenches into any efforts to be close and connected. The great news is that you are addressing this now. There is a lot of evidence that supports that it is critical that you hunker down and make time for your marriage – just the two of you. The marriages that survive challenging times and where both people report being most satisfied are the ones where TIME TOGETHER has been prioritized. Read on for a leading expert’s opinion about this subject.
Dr. John Gottman is a well-known marriage and relationship specialist. He has studied thousands of couples and as a result, over more than ten years, he has uncovered the “Magic Five Hours.” His observation was that couples that devoted only five extra hours per week to their marriages consistently improved and strengthened their marriages.
At the end of the week, the total time for these steps is about five hours and that is less than one hour per day to spend on your relationship!
These Five Magic Hours go a long way towards marital bliss!
His suggestion is that each week, partners should be sure to do the following:
1. Partings
When you part in the morning make sure you’ve learned about one thing happening in your partner’s day.
Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week
2. Reunions
Spend 20 minutes at the end of each workday to reconnect and talk about your day. Such a conversation will reduce your stress at the end of the day.
Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week
3. Admiration and Appreciation
Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner.
Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week
4. Affection
Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other while you’re together – be playful with each other. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. A kiss can be a way to let go of any minor irritations that may have built up over the day.
Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week
5. Weekly Date
Take at least two hours every week to stay connected in a low-pressure way. Use the time to talk to get to know each other even more, update each other about important issues, go out on a date (or stay in), and enjoy being together. You can also use the time to work through any arguments or issues that may have come up. Have fun together!
Estimated time: 2 hours per week
Can you find time this week to schedule a date to start to talk about this?
What would need to change in your life in order to make time for these five hours? Maybe your first date could be spent brainstorming some ideas for date nights or making a list of ways you could express admiration and appreciation for one another.
Personal comment: My husband and I didn’t make our marriage a priority and ended up in a crisis where we were forced to spend 4 hours per week in therapy and countless hours outside of therapy repairing our marriage. This was costly in many ways – time, money, our connection, a great deal of pain, and more. Think of these five hours as an insurance policy. Believe me, these five hours are more pleasant than spending at least that time repairing a crisis because you never made the time for one another.
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