Ten years ago, I was deeply entrenched in the belief that if my husband would be more romantic, affectionate, connected, attentive, helpful, fill in the blank, I would be happier. I would feel more loved.
Maybe you can relate on some level?
I believed that my husband caused most of my problems. Truthfully, I was about ready to leave my marriage.
“In life, you can blame a lot of people and you can wallow in self-pity, or you can pick yourself up and say, ‘Listen, I have to be responsible for myself.”’ ~Howard Schultz
But now I know something that I want to make sure you know. I sure wish I had known this much earlier in my marriage. If I was able to take it in, I think it would have saved a lot of hurt feelings and pain.
I hate to be the bearer of (what seems like) bad news but the problem is NOT with him, nor anyone else for that matter.
If he were to fix everything you could ever imagine you would want him to fix, you would still feel the same as you do now.
Because the problem is not external, it’s not someone else causing you pain.
It’s you causing yourself this pain and disconnection.
Over the years you have internalized all sorts of negative thought patterns, false beliefs, and fears that are running your life. Your mind makes up stories about situations based on your false beliefs and fears. Your mind is clever and tricks you into believing these lies and you follow that trail to suffering, pain, and unhappiness.
One of the biggest lies our mind tells us is that other people are responsible for making us unhappy or should be responsible for making us happy.
When we point the finger towards others – when we blame others for our unhappiness – we disempower ourselves, we burden them, and we never get what we really want.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl Jung
The super awesome news is that if we are the cause of our problems, then we are also the solution.
It’s a total waste of time to wait for other people to change in order to make you happy. It’s not gonna happen. I assure you.
Believe me, I know that the “other person” might be doing things that “everyone would agree” are jerky, douchey things. I don’t deny that for one second.
At some point, if we want to be happy, we need to choose connection/happiness/love over being right. Which means that we have to take who is right or wrong out of the equation.
I’m not saying we don’t ask for what we want and that there aren’t times when the other person can benefit from changing their behavior. But when we get stuck in unhappy situations and we are looking for the other person to change so we can be happy, we are giving away all of our personal power and becoming a victim. And, ultimately, it won’t get us what we want and we stay stuck.
Until you own this truth, stop believing the stories, and heal/release the fears and negative beliefs, the outside world will continue to reflect for you what you are experiencing in your inner world.
Your husband, kids, family, friends and even strangers act as mirrors for you to see what is calling out to be seen and healed within yourself.
“There’s only person in the world you can’t see – yourself. But, God created – or whoever created us, we don’t even have to argue that point – created us so perfect because we can actually see ourselves in other people.” ~Debbie Ford
If you are self-critical and judgmental, perhaps you will experience people being critical of you. If you are depressed and anxious, you will see a world that is scary and not worth experiencing.
On the other hand, if you are filled with self-love, you will see love in the world. If you are filled with joy and inner peace, your outer world will feel harmonious and joyful. If you feel connected to yourself, you will feel connected to others.
It’s up to you. Stay stuck in the blame game and waiting for others to change so you can be more happy and comfortable. Then wake up one day and realize that it’s too late – you never took charge of your happiness and created your own awesome life.
Or, today, make a commitment to own your happiness, to do the inner work to have everything you have ever wanted.
The only path “there” is an inward journey. So when you are ready, mentally turn around and find your way back to your heart and your soul. It’s there that you will find peace, love and light. There, and only there.
Self-love is the beacon of hope and the path to the authentic love you are looking for.
Whatcha gonna do? Post in the comments!
PS. You might know this, but my question for you is are you LIVING it?