When you said “I do” to your partner, I’ll bet you never thought you would become passing ships in the night, tag-teaming to bring one kid here the other kid there, so busy that there would be no time for your partner. You may have even vowed to never let that happen to you.
I’m not talking about time hanging with friends, going out with another couple, or other social events. I’m not talking about watching TV on the couch together. I’m talking about talking to each other about topics not related to kids or logistics or money.
I’m talking about real-time connecting with one another.
“A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.” Andre Maurois
Do you feel like passing ships in the night? How often do you make time to connect with your partner?
Over the years of marriage and raising children, we stop talking about the important stuff from our inner worlds and we begin to focus on what’s happening around us – the kids, the neighbors, the stock market, the news, the school, and other “stuff.” We may become quick to react and criticize but might stop saying what is really in our hearts. We become externally oriented and lose touch with what is meaningful and significant in our own personal lives. We become detached from who we are and what our own deep needs are and we look outside of ourselves to find “happiness.”
We become strangers in our own homes. We might even blame our partner for why our life isn’t as good as we think it should be.
“But behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication.“ Abraham Maslow
We stop talking about the important stuff.
We start feeling scared to bring up things that bother us. We try to avoid conflict. We want to “keep the peace”. We don’t want to rock the boat. We might even think we know what our partner thinks and there’s no point in talking.
But there is a part of us that knows that there are important things that aren’t being said. Assumptions being made. Issues not being surfaced. Silences that really are avoidances.
If you want a thriving marriage … S T O P the silences.
Re-surface discussions that feel meaningful to you. Invite your partner to re-surface discussions that are meaningful to him/her. You know those topics you never want to talk about and you avoid – those are the ones to go for! Those are the ones that are fertile ground for re-invigorating your marriage. That is, if you follow some ground rules:
- Make time. When we try to talk about important topics when we feel rushed, we don’t get to the heart of the matter and our partner might not give us the space we need to really open up. It’s too easy to be impatient.
- Breathe. I like to suggest that people start all conversations with three deep belly breaths. Breathe in so that your belly expands and then breathe out by pushing your belly button towards your back to release the air. Do this together. Once you are in discussion, remember to breathe. Intentionally breathe each time that you are noticing yourself judging your partner or when uncomfortable feelings are coming up.
- Try to move from your mind to your heart. The breathing will help. The analyzing and strategizing keeps you in the mind. To move to your heart, ask questions like “how does that make you feel in your body?” And try to have compassion.
- Provide a safe space for your partner to share. When he/she talks, listen with an open heart and mind and patiently allow for the story to unfold.
- Tell the truth. Be prepared to HEAR the truth and tell the truth. Throw away any thoughts that your partner cannot hear the truth. That is absolutely not true. What people can’t handle is their partner infantilizing them and believing they cannot handle the truth.
- No interrupting. Stay in the moment. If you forget what you were going to say, it probably didn’t need to be said.
- Meet your partner with a “beginners’ mind.” Ask questions, be curious. Try to think of him/her as someone you don’t know rather than someone you think you know so well. (It’s likely you don’t know him/her very well at all. It may have been years since you have connected after all.)
- Try not to contradict or have a “better idea.” This is very important. As soon as you move from “creating safe space for your partner to talk” to “listen to me and my great ideas,” the conversation is likely to change directions and your partner will likely shut down. He/she may feel that they have not been heard.
- This might be more of a stretch, but contemplate it: if you feel attacked, remind yourself that if you feel activated by something that someone else says, you have been triggered. You have discovered a place in your life where you have pain, most likely very old pain from your past. Be gentle with yourself and have compassion. As for your partner, thank him/her for pointing out a place where you need to heal.
- This is extremely gender-stereotypical, but I am throwing it out there anyway because it will be helpful for some of you who aren’t eager to start having these conversations. For the guys reading my blog – I believe there are times when you want sex and your wife doesn’t (quite possibly she can’t see the point). But, in actuality she needs it, you need it and your relationship needs it…so sometimes she participates when she doesn’t “feel like it” but ends up happy she did. Well, emotional conversations often are like sex – the woman might feel the need for more conversation and you can’t see the point. But in actuality, you need it, she needs it and your relationship needs it. So, sometimes you need to participate it in when you don’t “feel like it” and you might end up happy you did. You will be saving your marriage by stopping the silences.
One parting thought – be patient with yourselves. Re-opening the lines of communication takes time and persistence. But it’s worth the effort.
“Have compassion for everyone you meet, even when they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.” Miller Williams