You’re not alone and it does get better.
Two moms are here to tell you how it’s been for us.
The awesome Kelly Pietrangeli from My Project Me weighs in with her perspective as a mom of two boys:
I always knew I’d have a boy and a girl. I have one brother. My husband has one sister. Pregnant with my first baby I knew it was a boy before I even had my scan. Pregnant the second time I was sure it was a girl. At my scan, they said it was a girl. I called my mom, we told everyone. During my pregnancy, I had sciatic back pain and went to see an osteopath. After my treatment, he asked me if I’d like to know if it was a boy or a girl. He explained that he could hold a disc over my bump and depending on the direction it went he could know which sex it was. Sure I said. He did it and then said confidently that it was a boy. I told him at that point that I’d already had a scan and knew it was a girl. He was visibly shocked and said he’d never been wrong. Ever. It made me wonder…
So at my next scan, I asked again. And they said it was a boy! I was so shocked! I felt terrible that instead of just feeling grateful for a healthy baby – I was actually gutted. I cried for two days.
I was crying to my midwife during a check-up and she told me I was grieving for the daughter I thought I was having.
I kept thinking about all of the things I’d saved for my daughter: my favourite doll, my favourite little house on the prairie books, my barbie collection, my sweet 16 pendant, my cheerleading uniform and pom poms.
I never wanted more than two children so I didn’t have that consolation that I could “just try again”.
And then, I don’t know. I just kind of pulled myself together. I told myself that there was no point in arguing with reality. I just decided to shift gears in my thinking and feel grateful (other people find out worse things during their scans and I just felt so grateful that my baby was healthy). From that day onwards I was absolutely ok about it! I’m not sure how I was able to snap out of it like that on my own, but I am a total believer in mind over matter. Our thoughts create our reality. I’m blessed. I’m immensely grateful.
I now have two gorgeous nieces and I’m going to dig out my treasured childhood things and give them to them.
I 100% love both of my boys equally. As I type this they’re having a wrestling match on my bed and laughing their heads off! They’re super great friends. They are teen and tween now and I hear from my friends with teen daughters what they’re going through. I was a nightmare myself!
And I know a family who has 5 boys and still don’t have a girl, so I’m happy I didn’t feel that strongly about it – ha ha!
I really think anyone struggling to accept reality are setting themselves up for a needlessly rough ride. We are parents to the children we are gifted with and just need to love them unconditionally.
And I’m here to share my experience, too!
I have 2 boys – two freakin’ amazing awesome boys. I have pretty much no sadness about never having a daughter anymore.
But in 2005, when they were 3 and 1, that wasn’t the case. I was sad. I was disappointed. I didn’t feel sad when I found out my new little peanuts were boys, but that’s only because I held onto hope that I would have another baby and perhaps that one would be a girl. I’m grateful that I was super excited for both kids and never wanted THEM to be a girl. But I was super sad when I couldn’t convince my husband to try again. That’s when it really hit me…I felt sooooo sad. I wanted another and I wanted a girl. At that time, I resented my husband for not wanting to try again. Do you feel me here? It was a pretty devastating time for me. But I also didn’t want another child without my husband being fully on board.
Fast forward to 2015…my kids are now 11 and 13.
OMG it’s the best. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Okay, so to be completely honest, when I think into the future, I suppose there are moments when I’m sad not to have the daughter who (I imagine) I would have such a close relationship with, or that will live close by (probably not), and who will care about me as I get older (who knows?). I imagine that there’s a chance that my boys will be closer to “the wife’s” family and that’s a bummer too. But the truth is, I can only be the best mom and create the best connection with them that I can…and the rest will sort itself out. One thing I’ve learned is that no matter what my fantasies or fears are about the future, I have very little control over other people. So, even if I had a daughter, it’s quite likely my fantasy of what it would have been like, would never come to fruition…I’m guessing she would be interested in creating her own life, not the one I want for her (and me).
So, why do I think having only one gender, and especially two boys is the best? (and yes, of course it’s a rationalization – and some generalizations) and I would LOVE whoever I had!):
- They hang together and have overlapping interests
- We can do more things as a family and not have to divide and conquer (e.g. one goes to dance and the other goes to swim lessons) – we still do divide and conquer, just seemingly less than mixed gender families (including my family of origin)
- My pre-teen boys still adore me 🙂 and cuddle me (not so much for my friends with girls)
- Their needs seem simpler (food, homework help, sports equipment, driving around) so I have a little more freedom – we just don’t have as much drama and heightened emotions (some-yes, but not like what I am seeing with the girls of the same age)
- OMG they make me crack up – okay, yea, so I have had to learn to appreciate inappropriate humor and potty talk (but truly, if you can lighten up, it can be pretty hilarious). And sometimes they take it too far, but we laugh so hard that our stomach’s hurt
- And, personally, I would ALWAYS take a little league game over a ballet 😉 but that’s just me.
While I could never know this for sure, I suspect I am a better mom in some ways because I get to “specialize” lol – I get to know “boys” as a gender better and I am forced to learn how to relate to them. I’m more appreciative of my husband as well – it’s like I “get” why he’s the way he is 😉 instead of comparing the boys with the girls and always wondering why boys can be “more like” girls lol.
The truth is, for me, I realize that I do like to be alone. I love to work on my business (it’s my passion). I love the other parts of my life like spending time with friends, reading, learning, and just puttering around. When I was a SAHM for 9 years I was COMPLETELY focused on my kids (to the exclusion of “me” and my marriage – which was not such a great plan), but now that they’re older, I have a life outside of being a mom – I take care of myself, my marriage, and pursue my passions. My sons want to golf, hang in the garage, work on projects, throw the baseball, or throw the football with dad or with friends. So I get some time to myself and the kids are happy. Seems like a perfect fit.
I think my time alone enhances the time we spend together. I love the muddy bike rides, skiing, baseball games, and watching them grow into young men. I even love learning about why they love shooter video games and Instagram. And I’m still the one with them getting them to school, picking up, doing the after school thang (homework, taxi service, snacks, etc)) and I love that too. We spend a lot of time together. They have taught me to love activities (frisbee, baseball, jumping on the trampoline, and guitar hero are just some examples) I would have never imagined enjoying before kids.
And I take my responsibility very seriously – I know it’s important to raise boys who treat women well, who know how to be a good husband, who work hard and contribute to the world, who are kind and loving people, who feel good about themselves and live a life true to themselves, who live in integrity, etc. So I’m not saying that because I have boys and I want my “own time” that I can shirk my responsibilities.
As I write this, I realize that I guess I just want you to consider the upside to only having boys – there are SOOOOOO many, if you can get beyond the disappointment of not having a daughter.
Here are a couple of articles I enjoyed:
Don’t Let Your Longing Stop You From Loving
What I don’t want to see happen to you, though, is that you don’t bond with and attune to your boys because you are “fantasizing about” what your life would be like with a daughter or wishing it was different. If you have a new little baby, it’s probably a good time to get a little help and support around this. And there is always the possibility that you have a little postpartum depression – just something to consider. If you’re emotionally distracted and sad (even if you’re physically there doing everything for your kids and meeting their physical needs and pretending to be emotionally present), your kids will feel it and it will interfere with bonding and emotional connection. I believe that when boys (and girls) don’t establish that connection when they’re babies, it sometimes results in more behavioral and emotional stuff as they get older. Unfortunately, that can just ADD to your sense that you wish your life had been different (aka had daughters). This time when your boys are young is super important. There are no wrong feelings, so I’m totally not saying it’s not normal or okay to feel this way. I am just strongly encouraging you take your feelings seriously and to continue to address it (and get help if you need it). Your son(s) will be so grateful if you can face this head on and heal so you can move on and start to realize the awesomeness of boys!
Pardon the “God” reference below in my very secular post, but it’s a good one to remember:
Serenity Prayer (the long version – I esp like the first 7 lines)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Love yourself through this. There’s a part of you that’s disappointed – don’t shove it down, feel through it and get the help you need. It’s not about sucking it up, but it IS about reconciling where you are in your life and “loving what is.”
What’s your experience with this? Post below!